Kids Crafts Suck

Megan loves to do art projects. They are very messy and require a lot of involvement by me, but because I am an Awesome Mom who wants to stimulate my child's learning and development (and make her stop whining), I am frequently gettin' crafty with my budding Picasso.

This weekend's project came straight from the pages of Highlights Magazine. Megan was flipping through the pages and then looked up at me with excitement. "Oh! Mom, can we make this?" How could I say no?!

So we gathered all the necessary supplies. I was even fortunate enough to have three "chenille sticks" in my craft supply cupboard. Chenille Sticks?? I am very anti-smoking, but WTF is a "chenille stick" and since when did it replace "pipe cleaner"?

So for the next half hour or so Megan shaped her masterpiece. But she didn't have enough dexterity to tightly twist the "chenille sticks" so I had to be her art slave, doing all the manual labor.

The final result looked like we had gone dumpster diving behind Joann crafts. Our special mobile included Christmas star garland, fake flowers, some beads and feathers, a copper bell, some ribbon from the seventies, and a pine cone from the yard with blobs of sticky sap. And of course, the three chenille sticks. The piece de resistance was a small silver cross with the popular Christian abbreviation "WWJD."

And just What Would Jesus Do? He'd banish this monstrosity to Hell, of course!

But in our house this is now a Special Project, just like those tiny ceramic cats painted in neon colors, the paper Easter egg with decoupage tissue, the bead necklaces and all the other crap, er um, crafts that Megan has made.

Don't get me wrong, Megan's passion is heartwarming. And some of the stuff is just precious. Megan has done some drawings of the family that just get my Mom Sentimentality gushing. And I especially love the self-portrait from this week with slanting writing over the top proclaiming "The prettiest girl is Megan." But the impersonal craft items do nothing for me. When every kid in the class goes home with half a paper plate painted like a water melon, I am not impressed.

I have tried to sneak some of these items into the trash while Picasso is sleeping, but I am always foiled by her super-power memory and have been busted on multiple occasions, which leaves me rummaging through the trash or consoling a distraught artist who has just lost her prize work. So I don't do that anymore (ok that's a lie. but I temporarily hide them in a retrievable place to see if she'll notice first). But still Megan's room is teeming with these no longer useful works of art.

Lucky for us, this weekend's creation was special enough to hang on the wall! Right next to the hot pink star with beads and weird stuff glued on the top, and a moon made out of tiny plastic balls that magically stick together with water.

Tomorrow we are painting a wooden box that previously housed brie, and when it is dry we will further adorn it with stickers. I am sure that'll be Special, too, and need to be displayed on the dresser. Oh goody.